A glimpse of mommyhood . . .

After a crap day at work, a car dying and needing to buy a new one this week, worrying about money, etc. etc., it was a blessing to have a reminder of what is really important last night. My sister took me out to sushi, which was SO at a needed time! I love having some family close. They really are the best friends and the ones who are there all the time. Sometimes its difficult not having super close friends near you, though partially that's my doing working at the usual social times. But, a girl has to work. Anyway- though I do have some AMAZING friends who live cross country (wish we lived closer). Wow, I'm rambling today! ok, back on topic: I've always wanted to be a mom, and there are moments I have a difficult time coping with the fact I have to keep waiting for something that I consider of most importance. But, I have some sweet moments that keep me going as an aunt. Last night, after having sushi with my sister, I watched my nephew and niece so she could go to a movie with her hubby. They had an early bedtime and headed to bed fairly soon after my sister left. We were having fun playing, and I was actually really sad to send them to bed so early. They both went without a fuss, which is rare. ;) much to their aunt's surprise. My nephew got ready for bed and fell asleep as I was getting my younger niece ready, so I didn't get to give him a hug. But, when I put my niece down, she called me back in, because she just wanted to "talk" in her year-old talking with me while she settled in.(She calls me "Manna" and I love it <3)  She was falling asleep so I said goodnight and "I love you." She said "luv too," and my heart just MELTED. I love being an aunt. LOVE it. It was the easiest night babysitting and made my night. It reminded me that all the junk I was stressing out about wasn't important. Family is important. 

Mother's Day- celebrating the most amazing women

My mom is my best friend. Literally. She and I are ridiculously alike. She is the most kind-hearted, generous, and loving person. The truest friend anyone could ever know. She is classy and spiritual, and makes the best cookies you'll ever have. She taught me how to care about people and how to always use your talents to enrich other's lives. She is my heroine. 


Playing in a pit orchestra currently . . .  especially a Roger's and Hammerstein one reminds me of some of my favorite moments of playing with my mom. We always got to be stand partners and would enjoy the bonding of sharing laughs and the joy of music. Usually one of my siblings (most of the time Missy ^^) would be up on stage in the play while we were in the pit. I have a dear love of playing in the pit for musicals and I believe that is part of it: sharing the experience with my mom. 


Mom cries at beautiful music, and feels deeply. I'm getting more and more like this, and as annoying as it is to be a cry-baby, we see the world through unique, emotional, artistic eyes. She is extremely creative, artistic, and multi-talented. 


She's had to deal with a lot. Raised seven kids, lost her own mother and best friend too many years ago, and still has to deal with health issues. She understands and is empathetic, and deals with the health problems better than I deal with mine . . . by far. 


Mom has touched so many lives. Not only her seven children and her husband's, but thousands of students, friends, and countless animals. I love you, Mom. I am so blessed to be your daughter. Thank you for your lessons, love, and friendship. 

Musicals are the best!

    I LOVE playing in a pit orchestra for musicals! LOVE it! I get to be apart of the production, I usually love the music, its hard enough in places but not super hard, and I meet such fun people! I used to play in pit orchestras with my mom and we would be stand partners. My siblings would usually be involved in either acting or playing in the pit as well. Musicals just make me so happy and bring back some of the best memories I've had with my mother. Even if the musical is dumb, its still so fun to be involved. They take you back to happy times, where music is used to express something words can't alone. 
    Speaking of my mother, I got to go home for a bit this weekend, which is always great. ^^ We discussed a bit how gender is so skewed now. She and I love watching Jane Austen, or the old Disney movies together, and we realized part of why we love them so much is the fact men are MEN and women act like WOMEN. Its so  . . . confusing and frustrating seeing in the media the blurring of the lines. Why do you think kids now are so confused? We are different and we have different roles. Its nice to see a woman that  can be feminine. And feminine does NOT mean weak. She can still be strong and stick up for herself while still acting like a GIRL! Like Fanny Price. She's fairly weak physically but morally and mentally, she isn't. And she's feminine: gentle, caring, and tries to be graceful. Its sad how chivalry and gender has blurred so much. 
    Love my mom and my family. We're far from perfect, but I feel such support from my parents. Even when I don't feel I've lived up to "expectations," they never have made me feel like that. Home was great. I've also caught another restless travel bug . . . and no money. Doh! Taxes! Arg!

Spring has sprung- Is it really April already?!

 I hate it when I look back and see how much time has passed . . . and how little I'd accomplished since New Year's Resolutions. >_< Heh. Well . . . plenty of year left.
Spring Break was wonderful and came at a perfect time. I spent the break with family and loved it. I love going to my brother and sister in law's home. They have a home filled with the Spirit (even with five very active, very cute kids around :) ) and Wendy is one amazing woman. She has been a wonderful addition to our family and I love her so much. She is a true friend, completely charitable, very talented, and beautiful in and out. My brother is lucky, and they are a sweet, cute couple.
I enjoyed going to the Living Planet Aquarium, enjoying it with my nieces and nephews and quoting Finding Nemo to the fish. Otters are my favorite animals other than dogs and I was disappointed they were just sleeping and not playing. But, they were still so cute. The penguins were SO fun to watch. (I thought of you Sierra. ;) ) I think I'm my little niece Jordanne's favorite. Heehee! Love being an aunt, especially the favorite aunt! ;)
        The perfect ending to Spring Break was General Conference. General Conference weekend is my favorite weekend and it always goes by so fast. Every conference has the messages that I need to hear, messages that comfort and uplift, yet at the same time make me want to be a much more spiritual and courageous person. It always helps me remember what is truly important in life. Spring break helped that too this year. I find it sad the so many people care more about who wins American Idol than what is happening in our country or to the people around them.
         Another realization hit me, although, I believe it has slowly been surfacing: even though I'm not "successful" in the world's sense (making a ton of money, ambitious, prestigious job) I think its where I need to be. It has been really hard having to slow down. Throughout undergrad I was go go go. I did twelve hour days and was fine with it. Little sleep, not caring much about meals, practicing, ambitious . . . which may be part of why I now have a few health problems . . . I have had to slow down due to Fibromyalgia and a fairly recent diagnosis of PCOS. It is so frustrating . . . especially the "fibro fog" in the brain. (To me it feels like a fibro metal door . . nothing gets in or out) I'm used to feeling on top of things and having a lot of anxiety to drive me to be more ambitious. But I'm not. I'm happy being a violin teacher. Happy to have time to visit family when I can. Happy to have the little bit of time to focus on my health and doing things other than music. The change of diet, making sure to exercise regularly, and having to rest more is a good thing, yet difficult. Sometimes I just want to scream, "I want my life back!" But . . . then I realize I have a different life now for a purpose. I don't type this to have anyone feel bad for me or think that I'm making excuses for anything . . . I just type it because its made me change a lot of things. This stuff . . . along with a few other things . . . have helped in making the past few years difficult (like a really large drop in trust of people in general) but we all have to go through trials.
     I've had anxiety and depression for a long time as well. I believe its all very intertwined. But, its just an illness. Problems with firing in the brain. Having to change habits in the way of thinking. Its hard, but I can do it. And if I can, anyone can. I believe in the help of the Lord through everything. It won't be easy, and it requires strength. I recent saw an episode of Breakout Kings on Netflix where one of the characters has debilitating anxiety and depression. She said something that really struck me and I agree with. She didn't want to live in her own prison anymore. And she told another character, "Don't mistake my illness for weakness." I echo the statement, and say the same to anyone going through that as well.
       I'm still busy with students, miss playing my violin as much as I used to, but there is a time and season for everything. I decided to try out this whole online dating thing. Let me tell you: this dating scene sucks nowdays. Online or off. I came across the BIGGEST jerk online who the second he found out I was conservative started purposely trying to tick me off and called me horrible names. Even after I had been kind and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I have talked to some good guys, but no sparks or anything special so far. Also, swallowed my pride and I'm taking a dating and relationships class in my ward. Should be called debating and relationships. Mostly the guys complain about girls they ask out, saying even within the ward, saying they've basically asked everyone out and we as women complain we don't get asked out. Thanks, dudes. I appreciate not being considered as part of everyone in the ward. I can legitimately say I HAVEN'T been asked out. Ah hypocrisy. Nothing annoys me more. But . . . on we go. Its eternity. I'm not settling for someone who's afraid to ask me out or doesn't think I'm worth trying for again if I am actually legitimately busy working that evening. Did I mention dating sucks?
     Righto. 'Nuff ranting. Still working at that chapter. ^^; Braindeadness has been nonstop lately. So frustrating. So much I'd like to do and when I have the time sometimes I don't have the energy. But, I will not give up on what is right, what is good, and what I'd like to do. Whew! Long one. Til next time.

Pied Piper, Bad Teeth, and other tales

I'm seriously the pied piper for cats. Cats have claimed me as their owner without me feeding them, petting them, or having seen them before. This has happened with at least three different cats. They'll pop into my apartment all sneaky, I'll turn around, and tah dah: there's a kitty in my apartment. I'm always tempted to keep them, but I know they belong to someone else. Currently, there's a cute little black cat with white paws that has claimed me as its owner and my apartment as its. It runs up to me every time I stop to unlock the door. I have to pick it up and put it down, and since I usually have an armful, it slips in and I have to pick it up and take it out. Cute, but . . . . its not my kitty. heehee.
    I think animals know I like them. I end up watching dogs regularly and love it. Wish I could have a dog of my own. One of my students' sweet dogs had to be put down recently. I watched her just the week before and she was having problems. I was just grateful my prayers were answered and she didn't die while I was there. I don't think I could have handled it emotionally.
    Now to the teeth. I had to get a filling replaced . . . again! Within the course of a year I've had at least three fillings replaced. Love my teeth. Blah.
    In other news: I have the best students. Ever. They are so sweet. One of my little ones was too scared to play for the recital we held just a couple days ago. He's only . . . four I believe. But, one of my girls said she'd play twinkle with him and he played with her, watching her intensely. It was THE cutest thing ever. She's now his hero, and mine. What a sweetheart! My heart completely melted and I told myself THAT is why I teach, and teach as I do: with lots of love, positive thinking, and deep love of music.
    *sigh* So many things I want to do. Another chapter is coming . . . I've had a pretty dead brain from a busy music month, a little discouragement, and a lot of tired fibro days. But- soon.

Wake up!!!

This is a very late New Year's post. We have an opportunity in front of us, as we do every year, every week, and every day to become better. When we as individuals become better people, then we can become better families, communities, and country. This is what I believe: I believe there is right and wrong, there is TRUTH, and I hold THESE truths to be self-evident:


We need less "popularity"and more humility.
We need less fans and more true friends
We need less outside "stuff" and more inside riches.
We need to cling more to family and God than what the media thinks.
We need more scriptures, less "popular" books.
More prayer and listening, less shooting off at the mouth.
More sincerity, less fake.
More true and complete happiness and peace, less counterfeit happiness from worshiping worldliness.
More caring, less selfishness.
More going back to traditions and things inspired by God (like the Constitution) and less inspiration from man,
More decent role models, less looking to famous people as our "gods".
More finding yourself through God and less through a boyfriend/girlfriend or so-called friends.
More self-sufficiency, less handouts. True service is a hand up, not hand out.


We don't need the government to tell us to do service. That's OUR job. Theirs is to provide safety and keep from chaos. Not control our lives.
I've learned a lot this past year. Its been a very very tough year and I'm still trying to battle health issues, car issues, and self esteem issues, but I have learned so much more about myself through these trials. I'll tell you right now, I'm not afraid to tell you you're wrong, or mean, or look for the truth. I still have a hard time trusting without praying or researching for myself, which I think is good especially where the media is concerned.
I'm not afraid to say we need to stop this Occupy Wall Street nonsense. It is full on evil. With people chanting "Kill the cops" and speakers encouraging kids to "kill their parents" (with a boy actually doing it) this is not divinely inspired. It is wrong.
Our president says he "deserves a second term". The only thing he deserves is a giant dose of humility and swift kick in the shins. I've heard the ridiculous word "deserves" way way way too much. We need to earn. NOone deserves.
I'm far from perfect, but I do know there are truths. I have things to work on and I"m striving to do just that this year. I'm going to "de-junk" my life. I don't have tv, and I don't miss it. The only time I see it is when I work out at the gym, and I'm disgusted by what is out there. We need a return to good, and the best, not the mediocre and what the media says is amazing.


I know some extremely strong and amazing people. You are lights in my life and wonderful examples. I strive to be like you and I think the world needs to look to YOU as the true role models.


OK, rant Monday done. We are meant to have joy, and I intend to find it in the right places. More writing and art soon. I don't do these things to show off . . I'm not sure its show off worthy anyway . .  but because I've rediscovered I love them. I want to spend my "free" time doing things I love and that develop myself as more of what I am and want to be.

2nd Half of The Queen's Defense Ch.1

Here's the second half of chapter one. It probably needs more editing, but I thought I'd get it out there.

.     .     .

The next few days were very busy with preparations, yet wonderful, having my father home. After hours of preparatory work, we played games, I told him stories, and sang songs Mother taught me. It was almost like old times, except without Jarrett. I had sent word that Father was home and we were to hear from him or see him soon. I enjoyed my father’s company, but I could see the sadness linger in his eyes.

 I do not believe he enjoyed being home. He would follow me with his eyes, squint in pain, then avoid looking at me for hours at a time. It stung, but I knew why, and I had grown accustomed to it, even understood it. I reminded him of Mother. Every night he was home I kissed his cheek, embraced him for a long time, then bid him goodnight. Once in bed, I would shed a few tears for him, pray for him, and slip into sleep.

The fourth day after Father’s return, I had decided late in the morning to go out and enjoy the warm weather. Everything was basically done, and my father had said, “You’ve done quite enough for the morning,” then added with a crooked smile, “Also, I will not have your nose in a book when the King arrives. I know how difficult it is to tear you away.” He winked and with a wave of his hand, shooed me outside.

 I wandered around our grounds and found myself on the outskirts near the forest. I leaned up against a tree and rested on the lush ground, careful to keep my skirt from wrinkling too much. Tara had taken extra care to make sure I looked my best.

I rolled my eyes a little before closing them. I wondered when Jarrett would come . . . or if he would. We had yet to receive a letter from him, and I knew one was due. I longed for word from my brother, missing him, especially at the moment. I took a deep breath and let the smell of the trees take me back to cherished childhood memories.

Jarrett’s young voice returned to my mind. “Come on, Evie. I need you to be my damsel in distress! You can be the captured princess that needs saving!” He waved his wooden sword around, making swishing sounds, his 6- year- old form standing in an almost perfect fighting stance.

My nose scrunched up in a disapproving scrunch. “What if I don’t want to be a princess?”

His little jaw dropped. “You need to be a princess! So I can be the brave knight, slaying the dragon and saving you from the tower!”

I looked into his face, my young mind giving into his logic. I shrugged. “Fine, but next time I get to save you.”

He made a face. “That is not how it works.”

“Then next time I get to be the dragon, and you can save Mother.”

He beamed. “Deal!”

We continued these games almost daily, taking our roles very seriously. We even made me a tower out of stones; a very short tower that I stumbled off of frequently. I was never a graceful princess.

We played out Jarrett’s dreams of being a knight for years, until that fateful day. The day Mother died, Jarrett ran out of the house, sobbing. I heard the door slam and raced out after him, tears of my own on my cheeks. I found him in the forest, not far from where I was currently located.

“Jarrett?”

He was sitting, curled in a ball, leaning against a tree. He did not look up as I approached. “I didn’t save her. I couldn’t save her.”

Tears ran down my cheeks as I knelt beside him. “Not eve the bravest of knights could have stop this.”

He grabbed me and pulled me into a clutching embrace. We cried together for hours until I helped him back to the house. He leaned on me heavily and I whispered, “The forest spirit now rescues the weary hero.”

Jarrett’s dreams of becoming a knight faded as he grew. He decided he wanted to make a difference in another way, more with words than with battle. He chose a profession in law and council instead of knighthood.  I truly believed he would make the difference he longed for and be a force of good.

A gruff clearing of a throat threw me back into the present day. My eyes shot open and I scrambled to my feet. A well-built, older man was mounted majestically on his horse. Decked in fine clothing, he had several armored guards around him. I blushed furiously and made a deep curtsy. The King had arrived.  

One of his guards spoke. “Pardon us, my lady, but are we near the Merchant Nicholas Astley’s residence?”

I nodded and curtsied again. “Yes. I am his daughter, Evalien Astley. If you would, Your Majesty, I will lead you to the stables so we may care for your horses?” I looked up, respectfully.

King Bairn’s mouth turned up in an amused half-smile. He looked at me for a moment before nodding his consent.  I curtsied once more in acknowledgement before turning and leading them onto our grounds. I was highly self-conscious and aware of their eyes on the back of my head. I hoped my hair had not come out of the intricate knot Tara had insisted on subjecting my hair to. His Majesty did not need another reason to think that I was crazy.

I led on attempting some light small talk, quietly wondering how in the world I could have been so wrapped up in memories as to not hear several horses’ hooves! I remembered how the thick forest seemed to swallow many sounds, but still . . .several horses would catch attention. The stable hand saw us approaching and rushed to his duty. A couple of the royal guards helped him by leading their own horses.

I waited quietly for the King and his men to stretch their legs a bit and indicate they were ready to follow me to the house. The King observed me several times, but I avoided looking directly into his eyes, until he approached me.

“Evalien, is it?”

I made a slight curtsy while I nodded. His lips curved into the half smile again. His features were still strong as well as his build. His hair was what gave away his age. Now a silver gray, a few streaks of black gave away that it was once thick, dark, and shiny. “How old are you, my child?”

I dared a careful look at his face. “Twenty- four, my liege.”

His dark eyebrows raised in surprise. “Really?”

I nodded and looked down again. “Yes, my lord.” I was far past the ideal age to be married and the surprised look on his face served as another reminder of that fact.

He seemed to consider this a moment before he offered me his arm. “Well, Lady Evalien, daughter of Nicholas, lead me to your father. I believe he has something for me.”

I smiled lightly and I gently took his arm, walking with him to the house, his guards trailing us closely. We conversed very little, as it was not my place to begin conversations. It was just as well. I had little idea as to what to say to a king.

My father greeted us at the door, raised his eyebrow when he saw me, and bowed low before the king.  Our few household servants behind him bowed and curtsied as well. The king inclined his head in acknowledgement. “Welcome, Your Majesty.” My father rose, beaming.

I released the king’s arm as we approached. He extended his hand to my father’s in greeting. “Hello Nicholas. I believe you have been keeping something for me.”

Father smiled and bowed slightly again. “Would Your Majesty like to see his new stallion or would you like to rest and enjoy some refreshment first?”

The king took my arm again. “Lead me to the refreshments.” I obeyed and followed my father into our large sitting room. There, trays of light snacks, such as breads, fruits, meats and cheeses were laid out.  We waited for the king to be seated before we, too, sat. Our servants served us the food and drink while we conversed.

“Nicholas, I commend you on your taste. Your home is elegant, even out here in the wild. I must say, the hunting grounds are wonderful. You will join us and show us your favorite spots, will you not?”

Father inclined his head with a smile. “Of course, Your Majesty. It would give me great pleasure. I will admit, though, it has been some time since I have been on a hunting excursion.”

The King’s laugh rumbled in his chest. “Then this shall be a treat for you, and for myself. I may bag more game than you!”

The hunting conversation continued, and I let my mind wander, not very interested in what was being discussed. I sat as I should, and was quiet, and hopefully looked lovely, as was my duty. However, I was not attentive, as was also my duty. I sat very still, but I must have had grass in my hair, because I kept feeling Tara pull on it lightly each time she walked by.

 The king finished his refreshments, and scratched his trimmed silvery beard as he suddenly turned his eyes to me. “Do you ride, Evalien?”

I blinked, forcing myself back into the conversation. I nodded. “Not very often, my liege. It is not something I am very skilled at. But yes,” I smiled at him, “I do and I enjoy it.”

He smiled. “Well then, you will accompany us on this ride. I am in need of a female to test out my new stallion. He is for my daughter, you see.”

My lips parted, mouth opening in protest, but I knew better. I shut it again, quickly. My father gave me a stern look before turning to the king. “Of course she will. Your Highness will allow her to change into a suitable riding outfit, then?”

The king tipped his head slightly in agreement. “Of course.”

Knowing that was my cue, I stood, curtsied, and made my way back to my room. Tara followed quickly behind me, not trusting me to keep up the appearance she worked so hard on earlier.

She helped me out of my dress and into riding slacks and tunic. I changed into my boots while she attacked my hair again. “How do you manage to mess up what I work so hard on?”

I sighed. “Tara, you should know me by now.”

“Yes, but all that schooling .. . “ she tsked. “It is exciting, though! Evie, you will be riding with the King!”

I swallowed, nervous. I had not used the skills I had learned in finishing school in quite a while. I knew, for Father’s sake at least, I needed to act my very best. I was not, I admit, very excited to be in the company of royalty, though it was something to remember.

After my boots were on I stayed as still as possible so her skilled hands could finish the magic faster. “Tara, you know the wind will just tear it out again,” I tried.

“Not if you ride like a lady. Plus, my dear, its tighter.”

I could feel it was tighter. I knew my scalp would be hurting later that day. “Well, you know I’m not a fast rider.” I smiled at her. She smiled back for the first time in a couple of days. She had been very worried about everything going well. “Do not try to beat the King’s men . . . no matter how much they flirt and goad.”

I chuckled. “I would not be able to, even if they goaded me. I do not much feel like falling off today. And this is a horse that is not familiar with me.”

She finished and gave me a gentle push. “Go. We should not keep His Majesty waiting.”

I returned downstairs to one of the king’s guards. He informed me that the king and my father were waiting for me at the stables. He escorted me outside where I was greeted with a warm smile from my father, and an approving grin from the king. The king’s grin was not necessarily warm and left me feeling unnerved. I returned their smiles with my own and moved closer to my father.

My father held onto two horses: his own and the new stallion. He led the gleaming chestnut horse to stand in front of me in preparation for my mounting. “He’s kind and gentle, and listens well. I promise he is very well-trained,” he told me quietly. Another of the king’s guards helped me quickly into the saddle as the king mounted his own stallion.  My father and a couple guards mounted as well and we started with an easy walk.

My father and the king discussed the stallion while I rode on quietly and slowly, trying to keep my nerves down and speaking in low tones to the horse. He, in turn, seemed to think I was fine and carried me slowly. The king decided to gradually pick up speed, and the others followed. The stallion, despite wanting to copy the faster horses, followed behind slower at my reining him in. I was grateful and let him know by telling him softly.

As we neared the end of the ride I gave him a little more freedom and he cantered, happily, back into our yard.  Father and His Highness had already dismounted and were discussing His Majesty’s new purchase. I was helped down from the stallion and I stroked his soft nose in thanks, giving him an apple piece.  The stable boy took him and I walked over to stand next to my father.

“So, the maiden finally returns,” the king teased.

I flushed bright pink. “My Lord, I am not very skilled, as I stated earlier.” I looked down. “Nor am I very courageous.”

“Nonsense!” The king chuckled. “You came out on a ride with the king and his men when you did not feel up to the task. That takes some courage.”

I looked up for a moment in surprise. I gave a little curtsy of gratitude.

“So, Evalien, will he suit a woman, especially a high-spirited one?”

I nodded. “Yes, Your Majesty. He obeys commands and will listen even when his spirit longs to be free and ride with the wind. He seemed to understand I was not comfortable with the speed, and was kind enough to oblige. Though, if her majesty would like him to run, he will.”

His eyes shone as I spoke. I felt self-conscious, but forced my eyes on keep contact with his. He observed me, then the stallion thoughtfully, while my father smiled. They must have discussed the something similar while waiting for me.

“Now, my good man, we will be off.” The King motioned for his guards as my father bowed. “It has been our honor to have you, Sire.”

The king smiled, took my hand, kissed it softly, then he and his guards mounted. He turned his new stallion in circles, and then trotted to us with a smile. He inclined his head toward my father and me. “We shall meet soon, I am sure, for we have some hunting to do.”

My father bowed and I curtsied.  My father sighed in relief as the company rode off into the trees. “Well, that went well.” I put an arm through his and we both strolled leisurely back to the house.  I relaxed gratefully, sure my part had been played, and I could return to life as usual.