Sunday, April 22, 2012

Musicals are the best!

    I LOVE playing in a pit orchestra for musicals! LOVE it! I get to be apart of the production, I usually love the music, its hard enough in places but not super hard, and I meet such fun people! I used to play in pit orchestras with my mom and we would be stand partners. My siblings would usually be involved in either acting or playing in the pit as well. Musicals just make me so happy and bring back some of the best memories I've had with my mother. Even if the musical is dumb, its still so fun to be involved. They take you back to happy times, where music is used to express something words can't alone. 
    Speaking of my mother, I got to go home for a bit this weekend, which is always great. ^^ We discussed a bit how gender is so skewed now. She and I love watching Jane Austen, or the old Disney movies together, and we realized part of why we love them so much is the fact men are MEN and women act like WOMEN. Its so  . . . confusing and frustrating seeing in the media the blurring of the lines. Why do you think kids now are so confused? We are different and we have different roles. Its nice to see a woman that  can be feminine. And feminine does NOT mean weak. She can still be strong and stick up for herself while still acting like a GIRL! Like Fanny Price. She's fairly weak physically but morally and mentally, she isn't. And she's feminine: gentle, caring, and tries to be graceful. Its sad how chivalry and gender has blurred so much. 
    Love my mom and my family. We're far from perfect, but I feel such support from my parents. Even when I don't feel I've lived up to "expectations," they never have made me feel like that. Home was great. I've also caught another restless travel bug . . . and no money. Doh! Taxes! Arg!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Spring has sprung- Is it really April already?!

 I hate it when I look back and see how much time has passed . . . and how little I'd accomplished since New Year's Resolutions. >_< Heh. Well . . . plenty of year left.
Spring Break was wonderful and came at a perfect time. I spent the break with family and loved it. I love going to my brother and sister in law's home. They have a home filled with the Spirit (even with five very active, very cute kids around :) ) and Wendy is one amazing woman. She has been a wonderful addition to our family and I love her so much. She is a true friend, completely charitable, very talented, and beautiful in and out. My brother is lucky, and they are a sweet, cute couple.
I enjoyed going to the Living Planet Aquarium, enjoying it with my nieces and nephews and quoting Finding Nemo to the fish. Otters are my favorite animals other than dogs and I was disappointed they were just sleeping and not playing. But, they were still so cute. The penguins were SO fun to watch. (I thought of you Sierra. ;) ) I think I'm my little niece Jordanne's favorite. Heehee! Love being an aunt, especially the favorite aunt! ;)
        The perfect ending to Spring Break was General Conference. General Conference weekend is my favorite weekend and it always goes by so fast. Every conference has the messages that I need to hear, messages that comfort and uplift, yet at the same time make me want to be a much more spiritual and courageous person. It always helps me remember what is truly important in life. Spring break helped that too this year. I find it sad the so many people care more about who wins American Idol than what is happening in our country or to the people around them.
         Another realization hit me, although, I believe it has slowly been surfacing: even though I'm not "successful" in the world's sense (making a ton of money, ambitious, prestigious job) I think its where I need to be. It has been really hard having to slow down. Throughout undergrad I was go go go. I did twelve hour days and was fine with it. Little sleep, not caring much about meals, practicing, ambitious . . . which may be part of why I now have a few health problems . . . I have had to slow down due to Fibromyalgia and a fairly recent diagnosis of PCOS. It is so frustrating . . . especially the "fibro fog" in the brain. (To me it feels like a fibro metal door . . nothing gets in or out) I'm used to feeling on top of things and having a lot of anxiety to drive me to be more ambitious. But I'm not. I'm happy being a violin teacher. Happy to have time to visit family when I can. Happy to have the little bit of time to focus on my health and doing things other than music. The change of diet, making sure to exercise regularly, and having to rest more is a good thing, yet difficult. Sometimes I just want to scream, "I want my life back!" But . . . then I realize I have a different life now for a purpose. I don't type this to have anyone feel bad for me or think that I'm making excuses for anything . . . I just type it because its made me change a lot of things. This stuff . . . along with a few other things . . . have helped in making the past few years difficult (like a really large drop in trust of people in general) but we all have to go through trials.
     I've had anxiety and depression for a long time as well. I believe its all very intertwined. But, its just an illness. Problems with firing in the brain. Having to change habits in the way of thinking. Its hard, but I can do it. And if I can, anyone can. I believe in the help of the Lord through everything. It won't be easy, and it requires strength. I recent saw an episode of Breakout Kings on Netflix where one of the characters has debilitating anxiety and depression. She said something that really struck me and I agree with. She didn't want to live in her own prison anymore. And she told another character, "Don't mistake my illness for weakness." I echo the statement, and say the same to anyone going through that as well.
       I'm still busy with students, miss playing my violin as much as I used to, but there is a time and season for everything. I decided to try out this whole online dating thing. Let me tell you: this dating scene sucks nowdays. Online or off. I came across the BIGGEST jerk online who the second he found out I was conservative started purposely trying to tick me off and called me horrible names. Even after I had been kind and tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I have talked to some good guys, but no sparks or anything special so far. Also, swallowed my pride and I'm taking a dating and relationships class in my ward. Should be called debating and relationships. Mostly the guys complain about girls they ask out, saying even within the ward, saying they've basically asked everyone out and we as women complain we don't get asked out. Thanks, dudes. I appreciate not being considered as part of everyone in the ward. I can legitimately say I HAVEN'T been asked out. Ah hypocrisy. Nothing annoys me more. But . . . on we go. Its eternity. I'm not settling for someone who's afraid to ask me out or doesn't think I'm worth trying for again if I am actually legitimately busy working that evening. Did I mention dating sucks?
     Righto. 'Nuff ranting. Still working at that chapter. ^^; Braindeadness has been nonstop lately. So frustrating. So much I'd like to do and when I have the time sometimes I don't have the energy. But, I will not give up on what is right, what is good, and what I'd like to do. Whew! Long one. Til next time.