To All Horses of Different Colors

To all horses of a different color:

Be yourself, be real, have conviction. You hear “be yourself” all the time that it gets cliché and annoying, but  . . . seriously. My favorite people are genuine and “weird”. They have a uniqueness that is just so them! And I love it. People will trust you and appreciate YOU if you are genuinely you. If they don’t, then they are not worth your time. Now, let me kind of explain this with junk that I have had to learn recently. If it helps anyone, awesome! If not, well, that is just fine. I’m sharing my own thoughts, and its my blog :p.

I’m not bragging, or being bitter or whatever. I am FINALLY accepting the good things about, and the quirkiness. AND I am NOT putting up with people who don’t see the good or put the effort to actually SEE me.

I had a recent “fun” experience. A past friend who once believed as I did decided that I am not worth her time anymore because of what I believe, my religion and faith.  Not only that, but because I would not admit that I may possibly be wrong. This, my friends, is called conviction, faith, practicing what I preach. No, I’m not going to say “Well, I could be wrong,” when the truth is woven into every fiber and locked into every cell of me being. It is part of me and a giant reason why I am who I am. I am fine if others don’t believe as I do, but who appreciates being tossed aside because of it? STAND up for your beliefs!

I am traditional, “old fashioned” and conservative. So what? The world needs people that are “old fashioned”. Truth and values never die. They will stand the test of time. Truth is truth and just because a popular group of people does not believe it, doesn’t make it less true.

Not everyone needs to “one up” everything and be the most learned or well-spoken in the room. Sometimes words are just that: words. They can be so empty- no substance behind them. They can be powerful for good and not so good. Words without action or truth behind them are worth little to nothing.

Not everyone can be the clever or funny person all the time. Nor do you have to need the attention all the time. The world needs people who will laugh (which is what I love to do) and who will listen, not always do the talking. The world needs introverts just as much as extroverts. 

I am a sensitive, caring person. Good! The world is full of callous, crude, selfish and manipulative people. I seek for that of a better, higher plane. I will not dim my light simply because it shines in someone else’s eyes. (if you want to read more on why I will no longer apologize for BEING a sensitive person, see the previous blog)

I care and so yes, I CAN want/ hope for someone who cares as much or appreciates how much I care. Especially if they say/pretend they do too. I am real, and will only want to get close to other real people.

I love and care deeply, which means I get hurt deeply and that people will exploit it. I find it so sad that people would exploit kindness and empathy. But it doesn’t mean that I have to STOP being that way. It doesn’t mean that anyone has to. In fact, we need more that WILL care deeply in this throw away, easily replace things society.

For all those who, like me, can feel so alone, especially surrounded by people, you have an ally. I am that ally, and I will fight for you. Robin Williams (RIP) said once, “I used to think the worst think in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone.” I can attest wholly to that statement.

You can be free. I still get caught up and lose hope. But, I will ever strive to remain hopeful. There is always much that I need to improve, but it is not what the WORLD says I need to improve. It is what I know in my Spirit to improve. All that matters is what the Lord thinks of me. You do not have to compromise your self/morals/ what you KNOW is right, especially just to appease or to keep a pseudo friend. Be that different color. Be genuine. Be kind. Be you.

P.S. This will be my last super serious, "rant"- type post for quite a while. This girls needs some more laughter. I'm also going to include little drawings to illustrate as I ought to practice more ANYWAY and I'm a visual person. Makes it that much more fun ^^

Why I will no longer apologize for being sensitive

With this blog post, I am not only going to be my OWN voice, but a voice for other sensitive people like me. I will no longer apologize for being a deep feeling person. I cry at touching, beautiful things, at heartaches, when people I love are hurting, for what sometimes seems like no reason at all, and for a thousand other things. I am taking a leaf from Elsa's and Rapunzel's books. I'm freeing myself, letting it go, and those that truly care will take me as I am. 
      Being a sensitive person is extremely difficult in this world that accepts everything being disposable. Throwaway relationships, friend, people. Even those like counselors who are supposed to help people encourage selfishness and the look out for number one mentality. Just look at the media. Characters in shows, books, and movies are "boring" if they are sensitive or quiet and kind,and praised for being sarcastic or rude. A major trend is to diminish femininity or chivalry and boost selfishness and unfeeling characters.

    I have lost count how many times people have told me that I am "too sensitive" or "take things too hard". I personally believe that we are just sensitive to how things are said, or done, and the substance (or lack thereof) behind it. I don't believe I should- or anyone else should- change just to appease those people: just God. I will ALWAYS pick God and right before someone's good graces. Also, who is anybody to say your trial in life is not as hard as theirs? Neil L. Anderson said in his talk from General Conference in oct of 2012 " . . . A real, manageable test for one can be a fiery trial for another."
Being sensitive and deep feeling is actually a godly attribute. God even described Himself as a "jealous" God. The Hebrew translation of jealous is qannah, which means "possessing sensitive and deep feelings". In Jesus the Christ by Talmage, Christ is described many times as a "sensitive, sinless soul". Many scriptures and prophets speak on being sensitive to the Spirit and to the needs of others, of being meek and not just sympathetic, but empathetic. Part of being meek is being able to put the needs of others above their own.
         One of my favorite stories of Christ is the one when He raised Lazarus from the dead. It shows how deeply He felt for others (well, aside from His greatest gift of love:the Atonement). Even though He knew what was going to happen, when Mary and Martha were grieving, He did not dismiss their grief, wept and honored their feelings by grieving with them and for their sadness. 
          I've been told many times, and even thought for so long, that I had to be different: less sensitive, more outgoing, etc. But sensitive introverts have light too, and purpose.
          I am genuine. I am loyal, and I care deeply. I tend to have high expectations of myself and others. But, only because I see their potential! This may sound arrogant, but it has taken me so long to figure this out: I am worth true friendship and care in relationships because . . . I GIVE it! It is not wrong to want people to care about you the same as you do about them! Am I perfect? Heavens no! Nor do I expect others to be perfect. Deep feeling doesn't mean you are always sunshine, sugar, and roses. But I listen to my feelings and to promptings. 
        My kindness and loyalty have been manipulated WAY too many times. I get skeptical and untrusting. Being used has a way of doing that. I always give chances, however- sometimes too many, since we are to forgive "seventy times seven". Although, that doesn't mean letting them use you. 
       So, how do people "deal" with us? As a sensitive introvert, I don't need many friends, I need true ones. We need relationships of all kinds that will show they care, and not just say. As much as I love reading/writing words, that is all they are without substance and truth behind them. There are several different ways to show you care, but they are pretty universal. A few, in case you are wondering, are: making time for them, not making them feel like a burden -ESPECIALLY when emotional and since we tend to be needy, not withholding things, thinking about them, TELLiNG them, and NO PRETENSE. Don't just tell them what they WANT to hear, but mean what you say and say what you mean. 
     We sensitives need to find balance, of course, but I would not give up my feelings, even though they pain me even more than Fibromyalgia pain. I know there are others out there. If you don't want relationships with sensitive people, then it is truly your loss. 


Some links:  http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/03/24/to-the-quiet-boring-girl-in-class/

http://fans.musicandthespokenword.org/2014/04/06/blessed-are-the-meek-sunday-april-6-2014/
       

New Dream

I have achieved one of my dreams: becoming part of the Orchestra at Temple Square. I honestly didn't think that I would as I figured I'd never live in Utah. The Lord has a funny sense of humor, and I am grateful in this case. :) So! Like Rapunzel in Tangled, now what? Find a new dream! 
    I have other goals, yes, but the most important ones are a little beyond my full control (marriage, kids, etc) and there is, of course, the constant of always striving to be better. Getting financially stable is the very slow long climb.. . 
     So! To feel like I'm not so much in limbo I have made a list of goals or things I'd like to accomplish, realistic and not realistic. ^^ 
      Some mostly realistic, just to put a few out there:
Publish a book
Ride in a hot air balloon
Fencing 
Archery ( and not to get all hipster on you but I wanted to do this way before Katniss and Merida, etc made it popular)
Holi color festival
Cross country road trip

Again . . .  These are semi realistic as all involve money, connections, etc

Now for my fun, unrealistic:
1. Have a Jane Austen book romance
2. Be a Disney princess
3. Visit every gorgeous, amazing place on Earth
4. Basically be Lindsey Stirling : adorable, tiny, dance and play, record fun covers and music vids, and all that
5. Draw and write EXACTLY how I see things in my head
6. Own a dog farm where I can rescue and give care and love to lots of dogs
7. Cuddle/ own an otter
8. Make my own fantastically animated music videos to pieces I love
9. Ridiculous amounts of awesome costumes and parties/masquerade balls to wear them to
10. Revive the Jane Austen balls as the norm
11. Be a detective 
12. Be a voice talent for animated movies
13. Heck be able to portal to different worlds/genres
14. Basically spend the rest of my days being creative, learning, and inspiring while no longer worrying about money ever again. 
That would be fabulous, thanks. Even though there are these silly lists, I know what is most important in life. :) God, family, my temple recommend, and my faith. I always work toward things, and as long as the direction I go is up, toward God, then it is the right path. 
This was just a little fun blog post. Next blog (preview of upcoming attractions) will be a bit more serious: how I will no longer apologize for being deep feeling and caring.


     

New Year -very late,

 . . . In which I update, reflect mad resolve. As I reflected on this past year, I've realized 2013 was the year of change. Some really good, some not so good changes. I entered the year struggling with hope. (Funny . . . New Years sometimes tends to do that to me.) the world is so backward and awful. I was pretty disgusted and I had little happening to help me feel like I was progressing.  . . Just stuck.
      I had awful pieces of news throughout the year, lost respect in some people (which takes quite a bit) and sunk into that horrible dark feeling of hopelessness.
       Though, amid the awful, there was the amazing! I never had such wonderful students, I was living on my own ( which for this very independent person is the best) and I was starting to get the hang of adult life . . . Sort of.
       Near the start of the year, I knew changes were coming. I hate changes. I don't adjust well. If it was always a change for good, it would be a different story.
       An opportunity arrived for me to get out of my comfort zone and gamble on a chance to possibly progress. But first-to me- I had to digress. I had to give up living on my own, give up my very beloved students, and move to Utah, where violinists are a dime a dozen, and where I swore I'd never live. But, I prayed and I was prompted, strongly, at one of my visits to the temple. I swallowed my pride and fear, and moved.
    And here I am. It has been a difficult change for me, but I have gained a few students and work with my second love: dogs. I'm still in debt and making little, but slowly gaining more students. 
     I also have discovered love again! Don't get too excited . . . . Love of playing again. I've found it with the greatest opportunity that I have had here: the Orchestra at Temple Square. 
    Often, I feel the music world has turned music more into a sport than an art, and has become a selfish thing instead of a gift. But this orchestra is a calling- not a job. I'm serving a music mission for my Father, and I love it! Full of volunteers, the orchestra still sounds amazing and is to uplift- not specific to just the Church if Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And uplift, it does. Just being apart of it has lifted my soul so many times. 
    That is the biggest change in life right at the moment. This past year has also included 5k runs, and I wrote a first draft of a novel!! Details to come as I'm determined to edit and maybe publish. This year. This year, we will see what The Lord has in store.