To All Horses of Different Colors

To all horses of a different color:

Be yourself, be real, have conviction. You hear “be yourself” all the time that it gets cliché and annoying, but  . . . seriously. My favorite people are genuine and “weird”. They have a uniqueness that is just so them! And I love it. People will trust you and appreciate YOU if you are genuinely you. If they don’t, then they are not worth your time. Now, let me kind of explain this with junk that I have had to learn recently. If it helps anyone, awesome! If not, well, that is just fine. I’m sharing my own thoughts, and its my blog :p.

I’m not bragging, or being bitter or whatever. I am FINALLY accepting the good things about, and the quirkiness. AND I am NOT putting up with people who don’t see the good or put the effort to actually SEE me.

I had a recent “fun” experience. A past friend who once believed as I did decided that I am not worth her time anymore because of what I believe, my religion and faith.  Not only that, but because I would not admit that I may possibly be wrong. This, my friends, is called conviction, faith, practicing what I preach. No, I’m not going to say “Well, I could be wrong,” when the truth is woven into every fiber and locked into every cell of me being. It is part of me and a giant reason why I am who I am. I am fine if others don’t believe as I do, but who appreciates being tossed aside because of it? STAND up for your beliefs!

I am traditional, “old fashioned” and conservative. So what? The world needs people that are “old fashioned”. Truth and values never die. They will stand the test of time. Truth is truth and just because a popular group of people does not believe it, doesn’t make it less true.

Not everyone needs to “one up” everything and be the most learned or well-spoken in the room. Sometimes words are just that: words. They can be so empty- no substance behind them. They can be powerful for good and not so good. Words without action or truth behind them are worth little to nothing.

Not everyone can be the clever or funny person all the time. Nor do you have to need the attention all the time. The world needs people who will laugh (which is what I love to do) and who will listen, not always do the talking. The world needs introverts just as much as extroverts. 

I am a sensitive, caring person. Good! The world is full of callous, crude, selfish and manipulative people. I seek for that of a better, higher plane. I will not dim my light simply because it shines in someone else’s eyes. (if you want to read more on why I will no longer apologize for BEING a sensitive person, see the previous blog)

I care and so yes, I CAN want/ hope for someone who cares as much or appreciates how much I care. Especially if they say/pretend they do too. I am real, and will only want to get close to other real people.

I love and care deeply, which means I get hurt deeply and that people will exploit it. I find it so sad that people would exploit kindness and empathy. But it doesn’t mean that I have to STOP being that way. It doesn’t mean that anyone has to. In fact, we need more that WILL care deeply in this throw away, easily replace things society.

For all those who, like me, can feel so alone, especially surrounded by people, you have an ally. I am that ally, and I will fight for you. Robin Williams (RIP) said once, “I used to think the worst think in life was to end up all alone, it’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel alone.” I can attest wholly to that statement.

You can be free. I still get caught up and lose hope. But, I will ever strive to remain hopeful. There is always much that I need to improve, but it is not what the WORLD says I need to improve. It is what I know in my Spirit to improve. All that matters is what the Lord thinks of me. You do not have to compromise your self/morals/ what you KNOW is right, especially just to appease or to keep a pseudo friend. Be that different color. Be genuine. Be kind. Be you.

P.S. This will be my last super serious, "rant"- type post for quite a while. This girls needs some more laughter. I'm also going to include little drawings to illustrate as I ought to practice more ANYWAY and I'm a visual person. Makes it that much more fun ^^

Why I will no longer apologize for being sensitive

With this blog post, I am not only going to be my OWN voice, but a voice for other sensitive people like me. I will no longer apologize for being a deep feeling person. I cry at touching, beautiful things, at heartaches, when people I love are hurting, for what sometimes seems like no reason at all, and for a thousand other things. I am taking a leaf from Elsa's and Rapunzel's books. I'm freeing myself, letting it go, and those that truly care will take me as I am. 
      Being a sensitive person is extremely difficult in this world that accepts everything being disposable. Throwaway relationships, friend, people. Even those like counselors who are supposed to help people encourage selfishness and the look out for number one mentality. Just look at the media. Characters in shows, books, and movies are "boring" if they are sensitive or quiet and kind,and praised for being sarcastic or rude. A major trend is to diminish femininity or chivalry and boost selfishness and unfeeling characters.

    I have lost count how many times people have told me that I am "too sensitive" or "take things too hard". I personally believe that we are just sensitive to how things are said, or done, and the substance (or lack thereof) behind it. I don't believe I should- or anyone else should- change just to appease those people: just God. I will ALWAYS pick God and right before someone's good graces. Also, who is anybody to say your trial in life is not as hard as theirs? Neil L. Anderson said in his talk from General Conference in oct of 2012 " . . . A real, manageable test for one can be a fiery trial for another."
Being sensitive and deep feeling is actually a godly attribute. God even described Himself as a "jealous" God. The Hebrew translation of jealous is qannah, which means "possessing sensitive and deep feelings". In Jesus the Christ by Talmage, Christ is described many times as a "sensitive, sinless soul". Many scriptures and prophets speak on being sensitive to the Spirit and to the needs of others, of being meek and not just sympathetic, but empathetic. Part of being meek is being able to put the needs of others above their own.
         One of my favorite stories of Christ is the one when He raised Lazarus from the dead. It shows how deeply He felt for others (well, aside from His greatest gift of love:the Atonement). Even though He knew what was going to happen, when Mary and Martha were grieving, He did not dismiss their grief, wept and honored their feelings by grieving with them and for their sadness. 
          I've been told many times, and even thought for so long, that I had to be different: less sensitive, more outgoing, etc. But sensitive introverts have light too, and purpose.
          I am genuine. I am loyal, and I care deeply. I tend to have high expectations of myself and others. But, only because I see their potential! This may sound arrogant, but it has taken me so long to figure this out: I am worth true friendship and care in relationships because . . . I GIVE it! It is not wrong to want people to care about you the same as you do about them! Am I perfect? Heavens no! Nor do I expect others to be perfect. Deep feeling doesn't mean you are always sunshine, sugar, and roses. But I listen to my feelings and to promptings. 
        My kindness and loyalty have been manipulated WAY too many times. I get skeptical and untrusting. Being used has a way of doing that. I always give chances, however- sometimes too many, since we are to forgive "seventy times seven". Although, that doesn't mean letting them use you. 
       So, how do people "deal" with us? As a sensitive introvert, I don't need many friends, I need true ones. We need relationships of all kinds that will show they care, and not just say. As much as I love reading/writing words, that is all they are without substance and truth behind them. There are several different ways to show you care, but they are pretty universal. A few, in case you are wondering, are: making time for them, not making them feel like a burden -ESPECIALLY when emotional and since we tend to be needy, not withholding things, thinking about them, TELLiNG them, and NO PRETENSE. Don't just tell them what they WANT to hear, but mean what you say and say what you mean. 
     We sensitives need to find balance, of course, but I would not give up my feelings, even though they pain me even more than Fibromyalgia pain. I know there are others out there. If you don't want relationships with sensitive people, then it is truly your loss. 


Some links:  http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/03/24/to-the-quiet-boring-girl-in-class/

http://fans.musicandthespokenword.org/2014/04/06/blessed-are-the-meek-sunday-april-6-2014/
       

New Dream

I have achieved one of my dreams: becoming part of the Orchestra at Temple Square. I honestly didn't think that I would as I figured I'd never live in Utah. The Lord has a funny sense of humor, and I am grateful in this case. :) So! Like Rapunzel in Tangled, now what? Find a new dream! 
    I have other goals, yes, but the most important ones are a little beyond my full control (marriage, kids, etc) and there is, of course, the constant of always striving to be better. Getting financially stable is the very slow long climb.. . 
     So! To feel like I'm not so much in limbo I have made a list of goals or things I'd like to accomplish, realistic and not realistic. ^^ 
      Some mostly realistic, just to put a few out there:
Publish a book
Ride in a hot air balloon
Fencing 
Archery ( and not to get all hipster on you but I wanted to do this way before Katniss and Merida, etc made it popular)
Holi color festival
Cross country road trip

Again . . .  These are semi realistic as all involve money, connections, etc

Now for my fun, unrealistic:
1. Have a Jane Austen book romance
2. Be a Disney princess
3. Visit every gorgeous, amazing place on Earth
4. Basically be Lindsey Stirling : adorable, tiny, dance and play, record fun covers and music vids, and all that
5. Draw and write EXACTLY how I see things in my head
6. Own a dog farm where I can rescue and give care and love to lots of dogs
7. Cuddle/ own an otter
8. Make my own fantastically animated music videos to pieces I love
9. Ridiculous amounts of awesome costumes and parties/masquerade balls to wear them to
10. Revive the Jane Austen balls as the norm
11. Be a detective 
12. Be a voice talent for animated movies
13. Heck be able to portal to different worlds/genres
14. Basically spend the rest of my days being creative, learning, and inspiring while no longer worrying about money ever again. 
That would be fabulous, thanks. Even though there are these silly lists, I know what is most important in life. :) God, family, my temple recommend, and my faith. I always work toward things, and as long as the direction I go is up, toward God, then it is the right path. 
This was just a little fun blog post. Next blog (preview of upcoming attractions) will be a bit more serious: how I will no longer apologize for being deep feeling and caring.


     

New Year -very late,

 . . . In which I update, reflect mad resolve. As I reflected on this past year, I've realized 2013 was the year of change. Some really good, some not so good changes. I entered the year struggling with hope. (Funny . . . New Years sometimes tends to do that to me.) the world is so backward and awful. I was pretty disgusted and I had little happening to help me feel like I was progressing.  . . Just stuck.
      I had awful pieces of news throughout the year, lost respect in some people (which takes quite a bit) and sunk into that horrible dark feeling of hopelessness.
       Though, amid the awful, there was the amazing! I never had such wonderful students, I was living on my own ( which for this very independent person is the best) and I was starting to get the hang of adult life . . . Sort of.
       Near the start of the year, I knew changes were coming. I hate changes. I don't adjust well. If it was always a change for good, it would be a different story.
       An opportunity arrived for me to get out of my comfort zone and gamble on a chance to possibly progress. But first-to me- I had to digress. I had to give up living on my own, give up my very beloved students, and move to Utah, where violinists are a dime a dozen, and where I swore I'd never live. But, I prayed and I was prompted, strongly, at one of my visits to the temple. I swallowed my pride and fear, and moved.
    And here I am. It has been a difficult change for me, but I have gained a few students and work with my second love: dogs. I'm still in debt and making little, but slowly gaining more students. 
     I also have discovered love again! Don't get too excited . . . . Love of playing again. I've found it with the greatest opportunity that I have had here: the Orchestra at Temple Square. 
    Often, I feel the music world has turned music more into a sport than an art, and has become a selfish thing instead of a gift. But this orchestra is a calling- not a job. I'm serving a music mission for my Father, and I love it! Full of volunteers, the orchestra still sounds amazing and is to uplift- not specific to just the Church if Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. And uplift, it does. Just being apart of it has lifted my soul so many times. 
    That is the biggest change in life right at the moment. This past year has also included 5k runs, and I wrote a first draft of a novel!! Details to come as I'm determined to edit and maybe publish. This year. This year, we will see what The Lord has in store.

Home of the Brave

As Independence Day nears and the recent story I heard on Sunday, I got to thinking about real freedom and bravery. We live in the land of the free and home of the brave, with so many examples of that exact phrase. 
The pilgrims originally came to the colonies for religious freedom. It was the first reason for the USA to be established. Let's talk about what real freedom and agency means. Its not the absence of rules but the freedom to be held accountable for your OWN actions, not having to live as some ruler dictates. Freedom is not free, however, and there has to be rules to KEEP freedom for all. Agency is the gift and privilege from God to choose for ourselves. We are free to choose liberty and eternal life. We, however, are not free to choose the consequences of our choices. We were put here to make the conscious decision to choose to follow the true path to freedom our Heavenly Father laid out for us, or we choose to bind ourselves and choose unhappiness.
Here is a quote from lds.org "We do not believe in a deterministic God—that is, one who determines in advance the eventual fate of His children. Rather, we believe in a God who has perfect foreknowledge of the choices His children will make. He may use this foreknowledge to guide us or even to warn us, but He does not use it to preempt our agency. He allows us to become what we truly desire to become."

Conditions Required for Agency

Elder Bruce R. McConkie (1915–85) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles taught that agency requires four conditions:

1. 1. 
   Laws ordained by an omnipotent power must exist, laws we can either obey or disobey.
2. 2. 
   There must be opposites—good and evil, right and wrong.
3. 3. 
   We must have knowledge of good and evil; we must know the difference between the opposites.
4. 4. 
   We must possess an unfettered power of choice. ²

Freedom is the ability to have self- reliance, and our choices will either make us free or bound. We should learn from our history. The only time we will have true peace and freedom is when we choose to follow the path laid out for us. 

Bravery: I heard the most amazing story from the people themselves on Sunday. A man overcame his sexual addiction by seeking help. He had been subjected to pornography at the young age of 9 and it developed since then. He married and thought it would stop after marriage, but it didn't. He had multiple affairs and hurt his family. He was excommunicated, but decided he needed to become who God wanted and he knew he needed to become. He went to someone in the church to help him (a specialist) and did what he needed to to get re-baptized. Although, the biggest example of bravery was his wife. She stuck by him and forgave him, even after ALL that!! Its such an amazing story of bravery of overcoming and the bravery of forgiveness. It got me thinking of what true bravery is.

-Giving up what you want right now for what matters most.

-Our soldiers and their families

-Standing up for what is morally right even when its not popular, or when people call you a "hater" for it. 

-Speaking the truth despite threats and hate

-Caring more about what God thinks than man

-Choosing the harder path based on faith instead of the easier path where the world calls you

-Believing in faith instead of so called "evidence"

-Facing death for your family and beliefs.

-Facing your weaknesses

-Facing illness with optimism and joy (like my wonderful Gammie did before she passed away)

It is time to be free and to stand for what is good and what is true. Have a wonderful Independence Day! I have lots of blogging to do about my travels and move and all these changes this year @_@ It has been a year of faith and changes. I hope that I continue to be brave and live by faith. 

Thanksgiving . . late

Here is my very late thankful list. I guess its better late than never, and a good time to do it after a disappointing, bad fibro, not accomplishing anything week.

            First: I am so thankful to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I love church, even when I don’t always feel like I belong in my ward. I will be forever grateful for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who is my brother and my friend. He suffered the Atonement for me and for all of us. He fulfilled the demands of justice with his mercy. I love the Book of Mormon and I’m so grateful for a modern day prophet and revelation. I’m thankful for prayer and for temples. One of the greatest days of my life was going through the temple with my mom and family to get my endowments out. I’m so grateful for those beautiful houses of God that allow us through the sealing power and power of the priesthood to have forever families.

            Second, I am so thankful for my family. With constant change and friends that aren’t always there, family is. I am so blessed to have amazing, good parents who have taught me well, and give me so much love and support. My mother is my best friend. She is the only one I tell everything to and that I’m completely myself around. Probably not the best for her . . . but she handles it well. My Dad has set the standard for what I’d like in a guy. He’s hardworking and so supportive. He makes me laugh, even if he teases ;) I’m grateful to an older sister who lets me do laundry at her place and likes to spend time with me. I’m also grateful for all my siblings, but especially Missy right now since she has to deal with me the most recently.

            I had a wonderful time in Utah over Thanksgiving. I have a very wise, ambitious brother who usually gives me some good advice, and a sister in law who is the sweetest person with the biggest heart. I love her like she was my blood sister. I’m also so thankful my long lost cousin came to visit over Thanksgiving. She is beautiful and amazing and I am so grateful that I was able to meet her.

            I am grateful for wonderful people that have been put in my life. I’ve met so many amazing people. I am especially grateful for those who have been there for me throughout my life, through the good AND bad.

            Even though my health has frustrated me a LOT and makes things annoying sometimes, I am thankful I can walk, that things work well enough, that I can see, hear, and speak. I can still play the violin and teach it. I always wanted to perform: to do things like play background music for movies, be a Lindsay Stirling, or play in a professional orchestra, but I’m blessed to have sweet students and even HAVE a job; especially a job that I enjoy.

            This may sound ridiculous, but I’m thankful for dogs. They make me giggle, make me happy, and are so fun. Heck, I’m grateful for lots of cute fuzzy animals that like to cuddle.

            I’m thankful I was born and raised in Idaho and in the US. I pray we don’t get destroyed, and I will always fight for the Constitution.

            I’m grateful for books, electricity, food, nature, and all of God’s beautiful creations. There is an endless list of what I am grateful for, and I’m thankful for a time to reflect on all of it. It is also a time to reflect on who I am and what I’d like to become. Even though there is a LOT I’d like to change, I’m thankful for the strengths and blessings my Heavenly Father gave me. I need to remember them more often and use them.

            Happy Holidays! I’m also grateful for the Christmas season. 

Lots to Say

Another large stretch of time before another post, but oh well. There has been a lot that has happened. I do have to say that I probably won't post any more chapters of Queen's Defense (sadly) because if I hope to ever publish it (not saying that I necessarily will . . .) then putting it out on the internet is considered already publishing it, and publishers will not do it for me. But, if you are interested in it, let me know and I may send you bits by email, or have you wait until I'm finished. With NaNoWriMo, I'm working on it like crazy so it may be sooner than later. ^^ Just let me know. I may even just self publish it for fun and give to those interested. We'll see. 
Now, to other matters. I have a lot to say, and not all of it is happy. I feel a deep sadness that this passed Tuesday, my country chose immorality and evil, instead of the stark good and common sense. It opened my eyes to how completely and totally morally bankrupt we are, and soon to be (if not already) financially bankrupt. My country chose “free” health care that will actually cost more. So many businesses have had to cut down on employees or even go completely out of business due to Obama’s policies: especially the horrible Obamacare. Our healthcare will also plummet in being excellent. Who will have the motivation to BE excellent care givers?

Obamacare will slither into every portion of our lives in the pretense of making us healthier. We’ll be told what to eat, made to exercise, (which I don’t mind exercising, but forced?) told we can’t or must do certain things all in the guise of “health”. There will be death panels. They sinisterly hid this concept in one of the stimulus bills instead of in the ridiculous paged Obamacare bill. Death panels already exist in Great Britain, so that idea totally squashes the call for healthcare to be like it is in GB alone. Death panels pick and choose who gets healthcare based on their age, and how much they can contribute to society. Sound like communistic Germany to anyone else? Apparently, nobody is taught history, or they’re taught the doctored truth of history. Under this idea, they will refuse healthcare for my father and mother. Thank you for killing them.

Why would we want to follow Europe when we have been the standard for them for so many years? We’re going backwards, not forward. And, last I checked, Europe already fell over the fiscal cliff we’re approaching. The Eternal debt ceiling only makes everything WORSE.

Obama’s policies have made everything worse. They honestly think that four more years would make it better? Delusional. That’s like going back to an abusive boyfriend for more. He ran on lies, lies, oh . . and more lies. He killed those men in Benghazi. More people have died in the war while he was president the passed four years than under Bush. He didn’t bring them home. He ran a shameful, low class campaign. 

Helping our fellow man was put on our individual shoulders, not on the government. They just screw it up. Christ NEVER said give everything to the government and have THEM help. He asked us to be our brother’s keeper. Not be Big Brother. There is not problem letting somebody be successful, especially if they use their success for good.

Believe it or not, they LIED about Romney. Shocker. He has done so many good things with his wealth. I don’t begrudge him ONE iota. He is a smart man who can help pull others off of financial cliffs. Its been proven. And he could have pulled us off of it as well. It would not have been perfect, there would have been things I disagreed with him on, but he would have given us so hope.

Contrary to popular belief, there was a MAJOR difference between the two. They were not “all the same”. I call myself a conservative, not a Republican because a lot of our Republican leaders should be kicked out as well as Democratic. But Romney was the one to help us out of this mess. He is moral, a good man, and smart.

Also, contrary to popular belief, there is a right and a wrong. There is very stark black and white. I will not compromise my morals, values, and principles like some Republicans are considering to “win more elections”. This country was founded on divine principles. That’s right: DIVINE. This was God’s country. Thankfully at least half the country believes it still is.

Politics and elections affect everyone. They have definite consequences. So those who say they’re not REALLY into politics and basically ignore them are rather lacking in some important information. We HAVE to know what is happening to our country! It does affect lives: ours AND others. It doesn’t mean we have to be actively debating and taking polisci or whatever. I’ve never loved talking politics either, but there are things that are important. CERTAINLY more important that freaking Survivor and American Idol. I find it extremely sad and disgusting that most people care more about what Hollywood does or what is on some ignorant and unreal reality show.

For those saying, “He’s president. Stop being so mad and just lets work together.” Again, I will not compromise morals. I have every right to be angry at a bogus president who has helped turn my country into something I do not recognize. Who has reduced my hope to ashes.

Though, like a phoenix, my hope will rise. Because, I know some amazing people. I know those of us who truly love our country, truly care about each other, and stick to moral principles will hold to each other and lift each other. I know God will not abandon His people as long as they don’t abandon and turn from Him.

I am so grateful for so many things. For one, I was grateful to have an amazing writing seminar and to have Nanowrimo to distract me a bit. I appreciate these opportunities and that I could take advantage of it before many are taken away. My giant gratitude list will be written a little closer to Thanksgiving. 

I don't mean to sound like a jerk, but if you want to debate me on this, don't. I won't waste my limited time and energy on it, and, I know I'm right. There are feelings that come with truth. If you don't like it, you don't have to read it, or you can just ignore me. I feel confident enough in my research, gut feelings and in myself that I know who would actually listen to and care about me. That is all. Look for happier posts when I find more positive to share. Loves for all and big thanks to those who support me. Know that I know and that you are so appreciated.